Learning to Stop Comparison in Motherhood

Learning to Stop Comparison in Motherhood: A 3rd time Mom’s Revelation

Hey Mama, do you find yourself unhappy in your stage of motherhood? I want you to stop and consider: are you looking at social media moms and unconsciously comparing yourself? Or are you even looking at your put-together friends and all the cute photos they post? I know we’ve all heard the phrases about social media not being real, but how often do we really stop and remind ourselves of this? Comparison in motherhood can happen at any time, really. Whether we are in a store, at home on social media, reading books, or even at the park. But let’s keep our eyes focused on the only one we should be looking to: Jesus. Take a look below for some tips!

What is comparison in motherhood?

This one is simple! It’s simply the act (whether intentional or not) of comparing how you parent against another mom’s parenting style or multiple moms’ parenting styles. For example: I try to keep my child alive with chicken nuggets and this other mom serves her child fresh fruits and veggies every day. Why can’t my child eat healthy foods? Why don’t I try harder to provide better foods?

I’ve lived this one personally and am still living it today! Comparison in motherhood can also be comparing your circumstances to other moms out there. Whose house is cleaner? Whose husband does more to help without being asked? Can I learn cooking or gardening or crafting as a hobby like that mom? The list can go on and on.

Why do we compare?

I have asked moms of varying ages and backgrounds if they felt like they had it all together. The verdict? Every single one said no. Not one of the moms I’ve talked to said they wouldn’t go back to redo some things, or that they felt so confident from the time they found out they were pregnant. So I truly believe that mothers lean into insecurity, whether we want to or not because it’s such an unknown. And with every added child new insecurities arise where the old ones fade away.

I also believe that social media has caused comparison in motherhood to explode. So much comparison happens because so many moms are constantly posting on social media and so many moms are watching these videos or pictures. Years ago we didn’t have this constant parade of “crunchy” moms or “scrunchy” moms or “homesteading” moms directly in our homes. And now at the ease of touch screen we can access all of these types of moms and more.

How many times have you seen a short reel or post about a super mom or a mom who seems to have it all together just to think, “Why can’t I be more like that mom?” Or “How does she do it all? She has four kids and her house is magnificent, whereas I have one baby and my house looks like a bomb went off!”

I think about this and so much more all the time. But I’ve had to work on myself to stop the comparisons, because just like my mom said: my life is completely different than so many other moms out there, and I have to just figure out what works for us.

What subjects should I stop comparing myself to other moms?

Oh what a lovely question! My advice? All of them. Now hear me out, though. I don’t mean that reading self-help books or books about being a stay-at-home-mom or anything of those sorts should be avoided as well. I actually believe a well written (or spoken) word can help tremendously! But for this question, keeping social media and conversations with other moms in mind, I say realize that your family life is different, you are different, and therefore glean what you can from some amazing moms but also realize your differences and what works for them may not work for you.

So as such, here’s some topics I’d say to stop the comparison in motherhood cycle.

Pregnancy and Birth Stories

This one is touchy for me, but before I get to my story let me explain. As a woman who may have just became pregnant, you’re going to have all kinds of symptoms. And what’s even stranger is that your symptoms won’t completely match up with other moms you know. I was pregnant after my sister and four cousins, and every time we discussed our pregnancies we noticed differences in the severity of the symptoms or even if we had them at all.

For example, I have gagged with every single pregnancy. Why? I have no clue. Only one of my cousins had this same symptom, but hers was way better than mine. I’ve had pre-eclampsia with my first, as did one of my cousins. The other two had all of their babies low risk and no medical problems. See? All different stories. It’s always fun to swap pregnancy symptoms and stories, but remember not to compare your situation to everyone else. Which leads me to birthing stories.

After seeing all of these amazing mamas on social media and even two of my cousins opt for midwives and no pain meds to have their children naturally, I started longing for that freedom to choose as well. The harsh reality I had to face was that I was high risk in this pregnancy from the start. Not only was I battling high blood pressure from the first trimester, but I had also already had pre-eclampsia with my first, which automatically put me as a high-risk pregnancy.

This meant that no matter if I had chosen a midwife and seen her at my very first appointment, she would’ve had to let me go anyway since I was high-risk. Now there was several months where I got extremely low and almost depressed over how I was to have this baby. And what I realized (slowly) was that all of this social media watching of these moms stressing about how bad inductions and epidurals and hospitals and doctors were, there was literally nothing I could do to change my situation.

And that’s when my comparison in motherhood had to stop. So I had to stop watching those videos for peace of mind. Now? I’m just ready for him to come out! And if we have a safe delivery being induced with an epidural, or we have to have a C-section and baby and I are healthy and safe, then that’s all that matters.

Just remember that Mamas. A healthy and safe delivery is the BEST delivery! And don’t let anyone tell you that the “magic” of this moment or that can’t be felt or had with anything other than a nonmedicated natural birth. It completely can!

Your breastfeeding journey.

Never EVER compare your breastfeeding journey to someone else’s. If there is one comparison in motherhood that I absolutely despise, it’s for breast feeding. Facts: breastfeeding is way harder for some women than other women. This can be due to baby have tongue or lip ties, or other situations that hinder her/him from drawing milk. Fact: breastfeeding hurts. Maybe some women have high pain tolerances, but for me it has always hurt. Even with my second baby when nursing was going fantastic, it still hurt up until he was about 2 months old and his mouth and latch got a bit bigger.

Here’s another fact: some women try to breastfeed but decide to stop for various reasons. Look mama. I gave myself so much guilt trying to breastfeed my first baby. I listened to my cousin’s success stories and would go home, barely produce an ounce or two pumping after one month postpartum, and I’d cry my eyes out. I’m not really sure why, but I felt like a horrible mama. Perhaps it was because my pediatrician basically told me I was starving my son and to feed him formula. Or perhaps it was because I had no clue what I was doing! Perhaps it was all of my hormones and Covid-19 with its quarantine.

Whatever the reason, I felt like the biggest failure of a mom because I couldn’t even do what God had made a woman’s body to do. It wasn’t until I found the Thompson Method that I really began to understand my issues with breastfeeding. This program worked well for me with my second baby. My sweet little first baby had a tongue tie (that the pediatrician recommended not to cut) which didn’t allow him a good latch nor to be able to empty my breasts. The most milk I ever pumped was between 5 and 6 ounces between both breasts. And this was once a day, after taking a million supplements and eating foods that were supposed to increase milk supply, around my 5th month postpartum. I’ve seen other mothers pump 3-6 ounces per breast by the second month postpartum.

Anyway, we switched completely to formula when he was almost 7 months old, and the relief I had was overwhelming. I knew how much he was drinking, I could physically see the amounts he drank, and anybody who was holding him could help feed him. After that I calmed down about formula and decided a fed baby was a happy baby and happy mama.

So if you plan to breastfeed or pump, please do your research well before baby comes. There’s a lot to it, and it’s best if you go into breastfeeding with some knowledge so you don’t sit there with a new baby staring at him/her and wondering how you’re actually supposed to breastfeed (this was me).

And on a side note: do NOT dwell on other women’s comments about how easy their breast-feeding journey was. I met up with some teachers right before quarantine to show off my baby (we didn’t really know what was going on with COVID-19 at that point). I was explaining that he had a tongue tie and we were having trouble with nursing when a substitute teacher blurted, “I never had any trouble with nursing any of my babies. My milk always came in early, and I had tons of it! I leaked all the time because of how much milk I had.”

Truly one of the worst things you could say to a first time mom who was struggling. Mamas. Don’t listen to people like this. She may not have meant anything by it, but it made me feel even worse than I already was. Kindly ignore them, say to yourself that your journey is different, and move on. It’s not worth making this comparison in motherhood when you are two completely different people. You keep on keep on keeping on Mama!

Keeping up with the Jones’s

Ugh! This one was a hard one to get past. By this statement, what I mean is looking at whoever you’re admiring and comparing your house or yourself to what they have and are. Do you ever browse FaceBook or Instagram and see friends with more or less kids making everything from scratch? Does it make you envious? What about when you’re watching videos and these moms with X number of kids have a perfectly clean house, and not only clean but up to date with all of the latest Amazon gadgets to help their houses run more smoothly? Do you ever watch homesteading moms out in their gardens and think, “how does she have time with all of those kids, but I can’t even clean a kitchen with my two?”

I have thought all of these things and more against my house and against myself for a long time. I didn’t even realize I was doing it most of the time. And these influencers didn’t make me feel excited to try something new, they actually made me feel the opposite. I felt like there was no way I could ever do all of those things, and that I was a complete failure. My comparison in motherhood were in full swing.

But somewhere you have to stop these intrusive thoughts. Mine got better when I was comparing myself and my lack of discipline to grow a sourdough starter successfully in order to make all of those amazing loaves of bread you see on social media all the time. After trying a few times myself, I realized that with a 4 and 2 year old and being second or third trimester with health problems, it just wasn’t feasible for me to bake bread from scratch every day.

I had more important things to worry about, like keeping my fearless 2 year old boy from getting hurt or worse every time I turned my back. More important than bread baking was that I spent time with my 4 year old and talked about all the things he wanted to talk about to remind him that he was my first little love baby as our family continued to grow. And more important than baking bread was remembering to take care of myself and rest as this pregnancy progressed.

Figure out what is realistic for you and your family and go with it! If you find that that you can bake bread from scratch but making your own nontoxic household cleaners is too much, then stick with the bread. Maybe you try getting up earlier than your kids for some workout or alone time but by the end of the day it’s made you irritable and exhausted, then the next morning don’t get up earlier. Stick to your original schedule.

But most of all, don’t put on more than what you can handle because you’re wanting to post amazing pictures on social media or you’re feeling pressure to keep up with your friends or favorite influencers. Life isn’t about comparison. Life is about living YOUR best life in the moment with the grace of God. Comparison in motherhood isn’t what your life should be focused on, but rather searching for the will of God in your life and leaning on Him to help you.

Husbands, their jobs, and their help.

This one may get some beef, but I’m gonna be honest here. After watching countless videos of mothers sharing how their husbands were hands on helpers, I got extremely jealous. Sure, my husband works a lot of hours, but why can’t he help more? I started to get bitter and let those frustrations fly out of my mouth into his ears after seeing all of those posts and videos.

And in my mom’s and my conversation, she reminded me that every family dynamic is different. The reality? My husband is the sole provider for our family. In fact, he went to a community college for a semester to get certified as a CDL truck driver in order to afford me to stay home with our firstborn. He went through quite a few jobs before working for FedEx Freight. And let me tell you, it pays just well enough for us to pay our bills. Thank you Jesus!

With this type of job, my husband is constantly in stressful situations all day every day, Monday through Friday. Most days he works at least 10 hours. Usually in the summer and fall he’s working closer to 12 hours a day. There’s been days where we don’t wake up early enough to see him leave, and we were asleep and didn’t see him come to bed. But he’s doing it for me to stay home with our children.

On Saturday, he usually sleeps in. If he doesn’t, even with a cup of coffee he’s ready for a nap around lunchtime. He normally doesn’t get energy until the evening around 5 or 6. And on Sundays we have church service from 11-1 (give or take). We eat afterwards, go home for a nap, and then we rest. He normally feels the best Sunday morning and could tackle anything, but we choose to attend church and work for the Lord.

After analyzing our life and schedules, I feel sad that I got so worked up over everyone else’s situations and I couldn’t look past their stories to see my own beautiful one. Comparison in motherhood is truly a joy stealer! Since I’m pretty much miserable and only have 2 weeks left to go, my husband has been trying to do more with our kids to take the load off of me. He’s been changing diapers, giving baths, helping with dinners, and more. While this may not seem like much to other moms, it’s pretty amazing to me!

Mamas, I know this is a problem with a lot of us. We don’t want to have to ask our husbands to do anything, we just want them to see the need and do it. The reality is that most men need to be asked. Look up any marriage counselor and they agree: their brains don’t work like ours, and while we think it’s common sense, they don’t really think about it at all. If you have a husband who helps without being asked, be thankful! If you have a husband who needs to be asked but he will still help you, be thankful! It’s OK if your situation is different from everyone else’s, just make it work for you as a married couple.

Also- because my husband is a truck driver and his life and others’ lives depend on him being alert, we do not switch night time shifts with our newborns. I’m up with our little guys every time they wake up. It’s not realistic or sensible to make him get up all night or every other waking for the baby when he has to get up early and drive all day, perhaps 12 hours a day, and still be able to function and be safe. Nope. That’s never going to happen, and I’m fine with that! Him being careful on the job is more important to me than the other. And with my possible breastfeeding this baby, I plan on doing it all over again.

Spiritual Life

Ahhhhh. As a Christian woman, I can remember the times where I felt like I was at the apex of my spiritual walk with the Lord. I was high on His mountain and had so much time in the day to play piano and sing to him, to read my Bible, and even to go into my closet and pray.

Then I got married and had children and everything changed. Suddenly I was barely getting showers, much less getting quiet alone time to read my Bible. I was forgetting to eat because baby was crying again, so of course I didn’t have time to play piano or sing. Praying in my closet? Was that a distant memory or did it even happen, because all of a sudden, the only time I had was in between naps, feedings, and diaper changes.

It’s hard not to look at other moms with their perfectly groomed children coming into church and sitting there all neatly in a row and not be jealous. While on the other hand, I forgot to wash the breakfast from my kids’ faces and they are crawling under seats or running around the sanctuary (true stories). I even sit with my mom who helps me wrangle my fiery little boys. And I’ve seen looks pass that say, “we disapprove” from other young moms or even other saints. And all of this only fuels my attempts at comparison in motherhood. But I’ve had to stick my chin a little higher and realize: bringing my kids to church, even with them running around, is the most important thing I can do for them.

As Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” This is what I’m teaching them. That no matter what, Jesus is the most important thing in this life. Currently my boys’ favorite song to sing at the top of their lungs is “Hosanna! Blessed be the Rock! Blessed be the Rock of my salvation!” They don’t sing all of the words correctly, but my goodness do they belt it everywhere! And I’d so much rather them sing about Jesus than anything else in this world.

And let me say this does get easier as the kids get older, and you get a little wiser. You learn how to incorporate the kids into your daily worship, and they get to learn about the Lord in return. It’s truly a beautiful process. And let’s not forget that Jesus talked to so many women in their homes because they were raising families. He knows right where we are, and He loves us so much that He will drop little nuggest in our hearts if we are open to them, whether they be from an experience with our children or just a song on the radio as we wash dishes. If you need some ideas for including your children in daily worship, then read this post!

Parenting Styles

Parenting styles can go into so many different directions. Are you pro homeschool or pro public school? Do you prefer to cook everything yourself or have your children pitch in? Some moms hate doing arts and crafts and others do them every day. Are you a 1 hour a day outside kind of mom or a stay outside all day, in any season or weather, type of mom? Discipline styles go into this, as well as how you train your children, and so much more, so it’s easy to have comparison in motherhood with this topic.

A simple example would be when I decided to start potty training my oldest son. One mother suggested a book that tells you secrets to have them potty trained in three days. THREE DAYS. I read it, tried it, hated it. My mom said she had all three of her kids potty trained by 2 years old (except night times) because she hated changing diapers. Since my son was three at this point so it wasn’t really applicable for me. My sister tried to potty train before three but gave up and let him give her the signals for when to start.

So what did I do? I quit trying to potty train him. We had just moved into our first home, his little brother just had a hospital stay right after that, and I realized that with all of these life changes happening, it was more stressful for me and him to try. So I stopped the pressure. Instead, I continued to explain what mommy was doing every time he followed me to the bathroom. I talked about toilets and peepee and poopoo every time we changed his pull up.

Around 3 1/2 years old, he randomly said he wanted to peepee in the potty. After that I started putting him in underwear. He’s now over 4 years old and basically potty trained himself. He also goes on his own. He doesn’t need me to be there with him, and most times will just go instead of announcing what he’s about to do. It literally was the easiest transition, and one I don’t regret at all!

My advice on parenting styles? Be flexible but firm. While this sounds like an oxymoron, it’s also the truth. Be flexible in that you are open to other people’s advice. But when you find out something that works for you and your children, stay firm with it. And realize that every child is different.

Tips for success to stop comparison in motherhood.

Get rid of social media. If you find yourself unable to stop the comparison game, then get off social media! It’s a vicious trap and it will bind your mind faster than anything else. If you use social media for making money or keeping up with your family, then unfriend or unfollow all of the people who you compare yourself to. Clean house on social media so you can have a cleaner house in your mind!

Be careful what you watch and listen to. TV and radio can be just as bad as social media. There are some television shows with great storylines, respectful characters, and lessons that can actually help you as a mom. But there are many more shows and songs that do the exact opposite. Don’t watch celebrities and their big houses. If HGTV causes more envy than appreciation, then don’t watch it. If a song comes on that puts down mothers, then turn it! Only have in your life those things that glorify God and benefit your walk in Him and motherhood (and being a wife).

Lean in to godly counsel. If there is an elder or another mom in your church that you have confidence in to speak about these things, then I encourage you to speak to her. Wisdom from these types of examples have some of the best words to soothe a weary soul. You may be surprised to hear how older mothers were able to stop their comparison in motherhood in their younger days.

Make a list. That’s right, of all of the things you wanna do as a mom. Then reassess your list for what is realistic to do now, and what would be better if you waited a few months or years. Keep the list and change it as new ideas come, but just remember to be honest with yourself. If you start on a goal and you’re making no progress, move that goal to a later time.

Create a Grateful board. Go further than just running over a generic list in your mind of things you’re grateful for. Instead, create a type of vision board that showcases all of the things you’re grateful for as a mother. Put up pictures of your family. If you don’t like your house but you love your yard, then put that up there! Doodle a favorite scripture about motherhood and put it on your board. If you are grateful for your garden, then put that on there. Truly it’s just for you as a reminder of those beautiful things (big and small) that so often get overlooked throughout the day.

Plan worship into your day. Sometimes as moms we don’t get that alone time we want or need. But do you want to know what’s even better than that alone time? Your kids knowing that every day before lunch you say grace, or every day after breakfast is dance to worship music. Or that while you’re handwashing dishes or loading them into the dishwasher as you pray and tears begin to fall, that your children know you’re talking with Jesus. Read this for some ideas to include your kids in worship.

Pray. Pray with or without your children, but pray. You can pray while doing dishes, or while you’re laying them down for a nap, but pray for help. Or pray for guidance as to what kind of mother you need to be. Pray for peace and comfort with your current situation, and pray with the hope that if you are not where you want to be that in the near future it will change. Jesus hears our hearts, he knows what’s in our minds, and He will help you.

Show yourself grace. Remember that we are all human, and as mamas we are going to make mistakes. But know that every day is a new day, and we can learn from our pasts and try again. Our children love us. They don’t know the load we carry, so let’s keep it that way. Enjoy the little things, move on from small grievances, and know that Jesus is with you even when you don’t feel or think He is.

Last thoughts on Comparison in Motherhood

Comparison in motherhood can cost us more than we know, such as peace and contentment in our every day lives. But Jesus never wanted this for us mothers. He wanted us to embrace that beautiful and Biblical calling. Comparing our personal motherhood journey to others, such as media influencers or our friends, takes the joy of what is and turns it into the depression of what isn’t. Phillippians 4:8 tells us exactly what we should be thinking on:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

KJV Bible Phil. 4:8

Constantly fretting over what other mothers are doing that you aren’t doing isn’t fulfilling this scripture. … nor is it fulfilling your life in anyway.

Mamas, I encourage you today to take a look at all of the things that may be hindering your motherhood journey because you are comparing yourself, husband, kids, house, etc. to those things. Get them out of your house- your physical and mental house! And start seeing the beauty of motherhood all around you.